Saturday, September 18, 2010

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

what the?

 this was sent to me by my longtime friend Michelle, its a cracker ! Thanks for the laugh!

Actual writings in Hospital Register

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
A 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.

5... She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
Very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
She got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. The patient refused autopsy.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

only in america!

The following are excerpts from various American medical journals
…..prepare yourself, they are pretty amazing (But all are True)
You have been warned!!!!
A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying
a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never
expelled from her body.
500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital.
During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote
control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in
bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist,
and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually
explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a
romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the
table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she
had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s
member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.
a Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she
said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied “I’m
not, I just lie there.” When asked if she knew who the father
was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No. Who?
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe
pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that
they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A
nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did
not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip
out the membrane of his cornea.
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines
growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato
trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she
had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that
her uterus was falling out.
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his
penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her vagina” and
it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was
revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba,
he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some
erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and
more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessel in his
penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size.
Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told
him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also
told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was
going to be his last.
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from
the man’s anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with
an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell
was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal
squad, who built a lead box around the man’s anus to defuse the
shell so it could be removed.

 god bless americans we all know they need it!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Who should own your genes?
This was aired on the abc here last night, very interesting for the future of medical services and treatment for all, imagine if you had to fork out $3,000.00 for a test and then had to wait months for the result because one company owns the patent for that gene testing? Lets hope the Australian gov steps in to prevent this happening here in the future.